!ObSeSsIoN!

Instead of blogging, I have been obsession over this:

FIT FEMALE BODIES! When I say obsessed, I am serious! It is on the verge of stalking in a slightly lesbian infatuation sort of way blended with an immense amount of jealousy, a double shot of admiration and a splash of awe, all shaken well together and served over ice. I don't know how else to describe it.

I search the pages of Bodybuilding.com's female transformation stories, Oxygen.com, Muscle and Fitness Hers and any other body building website (even Facebook!) looking for transformation stories with *some* shred of similarity to me (same height, had children before,k age, hair color, favorite day of the week, anything!) to give me motivation to kick my own ass. I spend all my time til the wee hours of the morn staring at these incredibly chiseled specimens just wishing their muscle magic would spill over from the computer and onto the flabbiness that is my post-baby body. I do this after every pregnancy - obsess. It seems to get more intense each time. This time it is completely overwhelming me! I am sure it has NOTHING to do with the fact that our local Walgreen's clerk thought I was still pregnant... Nah. It's DEFINITELY not that...

Where does this obsession come from?? I love, LOVE women with muscles! I am not talking about the deep voice, vaguely feminine version who would school Phil in an arm wrestle, but beautiful, completely feminine, STRONG women with muscles - like this:

(BTW: This woman has two children and used to be completely out of shape! She is my motivation!)

And this:

I could fill PAGES with pictures I am in love with. I did say slightly lesbian infatuation, right??? Nevertheless, I am OBSESSED with looking at all these fit bodies thinking that somehow if I channel their strength, I might just wake up looking like that. Right. Instead, I wake up looking like this:

I remember the first time I started noticing *REAL* muscle on my body. I was in high school, "working out" at the YMCA. (For a high school girl, working out mean sort of moving on the elliptical machine for maybe 15 minutes while flipping through the pages of the latest fashion/gossip magazine but never working hard enough to sweat or even become winded. Followed by picking up a 5lb. weight, maybe 8 if you're feelin' it and checking yourself out in the mirror, all the while making sure the high school boys were watching.) I must have been "feelin' it" that day because I was doing upright rows and saw something... Is that a muscle on my shoulder or a weird dimple?! It better NOT be a weird dimple! Wait, I can see when I pull on this weight... I think its a muscle... Holy Sh*t! I have a muscle! A visible one! Seriously?! That is cool... wait... is it? Do boys like that?... WHO CARES! I like it! Where else do I have muscles??? Oh... nowhere... that's right... I am not really working out to create any...

Since my muscular epiphany, I started noticing other women around who had them and have since fallen head-over-heels in LOVE with strong women. Some may find my infatuation unattractive. Some may prefer a softer version of the female physique. That's cool! I think the reason I love it so much is not just because it looks cool, but also because it is the manifestation of the idea that I AM A STRONG WOMAN. I CAN DO ANYTHING A BOY CAN DO. This was deeply rooted in me as a child and still sticks with me today. Even though I know I can't, I will pretend I can kick some male ass, talk like I can, think like I can.

So why waste my time blogging about this when I could be obsessing more and finding new images to stare at??? Or better yet, actually do the work to look like those women?? I don't know. I WISH I could look like them... I WISH I could be one that is obsessed about instead of doing the obsessing. I WISH I could stop craving Chili Cheese Fritos and Fruit Loops at 11pm. I WISH I had a personal trainer and supernanny so I could actually get a killer workout in. I WISH I loved the taste of quinoa or egg whites or plain oatmeal. I WISH...

Maybe secretly, if I put it out there for the 3.7 people who actually read this blog, it will force me to hold myself accountable. I know it is all about motivation. I know its all about choices. I know its all about work. I know what to eat. I know how to workout. I know, I know, I KNOW!! So why am I not doing it??

I also know that changes like this don't happen overnight. If I want to see any changes, I have to be consistent and patient - two words that are NOT in my native tongue (case in point - my BLOG!). Sporadic and scatter-brained are much more familiar. Regardless, it is time to take steps. I hate that I was mistaken for being pregnant. I hate that my belly still sticks out farther than my boobs. I hate that my 7 year old says thinks like "Remember when you were healthy?", "Are you going to eat that, Mom?" and "I can't wait for your tummy to be little again." Yeah. Me too. Way to call me out, Liv. The fact that I had a baby 8 weeks ago is no longer a viable excuse anymore. (Don't give me the 9 months on... 9 months off reasoning!) I just had my post-partum check-up and my uterus is NORMAL sized. It is no longer causing the bulge that is hanging off my hips. What you see left is my blubber. 20 lbs. of leftover blubber. And not a visible muscle in sight... SHIT! I have a lot of work to do. This is the WORST I have ever looked and from this point forward, the worst I WILL EVER look.

I am starting tomorrow. Phil is checking my BMI, Body Fat %, weight, measurements, etc. and creating a workout plan that will fit into the craziness that we call our life. I will post it all here, pictures and ALL! I am seriously letting it all hang out there for you (me). You will see the reality I write about. So why make this a public affair? Simple. Accountability. I will post regularly about my food, workouts, good days, crappy days, struggles, successes, epiphanies... basically everything. If someone wants to join me on my journey to be 30, flirty and fabulous, GREAT! Misery loves company! Wish me luck! I am READY! Ready to not look down and see this anymore.

I want to see this...